Desperation in Desperate Times Call for Well-Executed Measures

Thursday's the big day: i'm moving out. only to my grandma's house, but the change is drastic enough. the repercussions of my actions could be, at the least, disastrous. as it is, i've been informed that my departure will break my mother's heart. she hasn't been informed of my flight, but i assume when she finds my room empty, she'll get the hint. no longer can i stand the environment i'm subjected to where i am the scapegoat and work horse. my little sister could also just be the death of me. in a rash moment of anger, i deemed it acceptable to not have exchanged any form of oral communication with her in over two weeks. while it may come across as immature, it's sole purpose was to alleviate much of the conflict within the house. instead, it amplified the issues between me and my mother. so here i am, standing at a crossroads, making a decision that could quite possibly destroy my maternal ties and forever put me on the outs. but as of now, i really can't comprehend how that's even important anymore. maybe i am making a huge mistake, yet i feel i've done all that i can do to try and make my life there work. what i don't understand is how my mother can be so oblivious to the whole thing. while i would love to write this all off to classic teenage angst; it is far more complicated than to be solved by sitting in my room listening to music loudly. i've done that for far too long. and i'm tired of playing the ostrich, while the household injustices remove what desire i have to stay in this town. the only thing i'm hesitant about is the actual act of moving. while i have to do it without her knowledge, i get the increasing feeling it will be hard to fly under the radar. on the same note, she hasn't noticed all the signs of my despairing situation. and if she gets it in her mind that she could just go and move my things back, i'll leave for good out of the familial nest.

Postpartum Obsession

well here we go again, another reckless example of the chaos in my life. if i could let go of what happened: the love lost, the days wasted, the hurt incurred. but i can't. i recede into this preliminary start of catatonia when i even begin to think of my so-called ex lovers. my jealously still burns like no other for one, because for almost as long as he's been away from me, he's had someone else to abuse. and he's happy. i despise it; it's not what he deserves. bitter, bitter, bitter, girl; i should know better. but when i'm here failing miserably at attaining something even marginally meaningful, what am i supposed to feel? i'm sure damn well not going to be supportive of him. then what of my summer beau: avoidance lately, but that's how it is when you miss someone. and to the best of my knowledge, he does. my pool for selection has run dry it seems. the only fish that swim my way aren't fit for even the cheapest sardines. casual relations can sound all the more enticing when the prospects are so unconditionally dim. but i cling to the hope that there's better, and maybe even great, things coming along. so my optimism is no where near a high, yet i've got some hopes. my love life is no more in shambles than my home life. tired of the berating and complete and utter misery my house contains, i see the only option is to move out. the preliminary plans are in the works as of late. and i find the prospect freeing, if not a form keeping my sanity. i try not to think about the magnitude of the entire premise. my love life can take well earned precedence in my life. it is far more rewarding in the long run than to solve the raging battles within these four walls. nor do i have the desire to work things out in that sense. and that, my friends, is quite a shame in the least. maybe the calming on the home front, nonetheless, a complete change of venue for a home life, could contribute to progress in my romantic endeavors. when it comes down to it, despite my grand disappointments, i really do enjoy being in love. for the rush, no drug, no fear, no roller coaster can induce, will change your life. there's no doubt in my mind that this crazy, messy thing can change every fiber of your being. the trouble that arises is there is no knowing whether it will be for the good or the bad. so you just have to ride that shit out. it's unbelievable what love can do to you. that smolder can set your world aflame in a second, or it can keep you warm in the coldest conditions. my problem with love isn't the act its self, it's the repercussions of the act. because, when it's over, the memories remain. and those, those once comforting little happenings, can turn real ugly, real fast. memories of the taste and smell and feel of someone you held close can haunt you for the rest of your life. but that's just the beginning. because, what you've done and thought and wanted when you were involved with them will keep you awake at night. these suffocating memories that should have been cherished...they are now your mortal enemies. left unchecked, those things can consume you, and become you; so much that that one person is all you think about. or maybe more than one person. but love, love is a beautiful thing. beautiful- if it doesn't ruin you in the process. that is where i lie tonight, in the midst of these tumultuous times.

Transitional Disfunction

while the end of my short-lived, not- so summer fling was finally ended, i some how found the ability to actually break up with someone. but this was about a month ago. since then, things have been uneventful much to my dismay. a romantic hiatus was not exactly my first choice in spending the remainder of my summer. considering who i choose to invest my time in, i shouldn't be surprised. they seem to be taken or too close to pursue, or just virtually unattainable. feelings still run deep for my boy that's miles away. but the one time i had the misfortune to speak to him since he left, we played the usual games; never conceding to any emotion for the other. though i did get him to admit he misses me. and i find comfort in knowing i still have some hold on him. yet when he comes back, it'll be hard for me to have anything to do with him, knowing that he'll just leave again. leaving is always something that gets me. because they always leave. as i was telling one of my friends in the early morning hours, i've learned that 'i love you' means nothing, you can always be replaced, and that all guys are the same, just some are better at hiding it than others. one of my other current nuisances is perhaps just overly jealous and selfish concept that i've deemed one of my biggest weaknesses. i find the one year anniversary of the big break up drawing near, and realized that shortly after, my other ex and his girlfriend will have been together for a year. and that rubs me the wrong way. not just because i have not been as successful, but because he doesn't deserve it. my opinion however, doesn't really matter in all of that. once again, i find more things to daunt me. i feel like throwing myself in to a variety of things to distract myself from my seemingly unending quest for love. ironically, i am not actively pursuing any individual for the hope of a relationship, but feel like i am trying to hard. my choices in these situations are undeniably questionable. while my heart may be deceitful, my love is never a lie. yet i've been involved with some who have no concept of the weight of those three little words. he should have known better than to be so fickle. i guess mutual suffering is somewhat comforting in the end. i try to forget about what transpired this summer between me and my interstate lover. it is time to move away from those memories, because to continue that delusion of a possible sequel would be borderline self-deprecating. but i'm looking forward to a relationship where tangibility is not at an all time low. although it might be in my best interest to let a few of these upcoming romantic opportunities pass out of self-preservation. i can't take much more disappointment any time soon. then again, i'm not one for healthy habits like that. i mean, you only live once, you might as well have the time of your fucking life.