Unfortunate Circumstances Lead to the Worst Mistakes

so valentine's day has struck again. a scheduled reminder of all the things i lack. a day so full of love and loneliness, it's only humane that it comes once a year. dont get me wrong, im not extensively bitter, i just wish i had someone to share the day with. it was my first valentine's day alone in two years, and guess what, i survived. it wasn't bad at all. unfortunately, i haven't had much luck with love lately. it's almost deja vu of how bleak things were before my ex came along. i fell for someone yet again with hopes of getting somewhere this time. but alas, i failed miserably. the letdown was gentle because he's not dating till college, but in the end, he didnt like me anyways. it hurt, but only considering that it served as a reminder of the seeming inadequacy i posess when it comes to appealing to the opposite sex. i find that maybe i get too hopeful too quick, but still with the pessimism that is won't work out in the end. and it seems as though i have run out of hope or maybe just options. the only possibilities that have presented are meaningless and i long for something real again. yet out of loneliness, i could succumb to my desires for a someone, settling for something i dont want. and lately all around me, it seems like every relationship has just failed miserably. which poses the question, is there ever such a thing as a great relationship? i'm wondering why i let myself suffer through my last relationship when i wasn't happy. but seeing how much i missed the good parts (though there weren't that many) maybe i just saw it coming. but knowing that i can't and won't give up on things, i guess it's no surprise that i put up with what i did. all horrible failures and lonely nights i've lived through, it's about time i find someone again. i care too much, i love too much, and i get hurt so much. and i'm so used to it that now it's all i know and all i expect. truthfully, i wish that i could go back in time and save my relationship, or just keep it from ever happening. the way things have turned out has just proved how dependent i am. and i wish it didn't end that way. i wish i didn't feel so vulnerable. the novelty of romance has eluded me lately and it's fair to say that maybe i've begun to take finding love too seriously. but then again, this could very well be one of the rare occasions that i give up on something. this would only be out of self- preservation. one thing that still remains, i would love to say "i love you" again. although seeing the timing of everything, all relationships at this point are meaningless. yet at the time you're involved, it feels like so much more, because it is so much more to you then. and our hearts get broken, and we run out of tears to cry. worthless and disappointed without even as much of a shred of self- worth left. relationships give us everything and take it away at the same time. but we keep coming back for more.