Contemplation of the Inevitable

wow, it's been a while. and everything is completely different now. still single but pretty happy about it. hot guy- that's waayy over & innocent cutie- that never even started. but what can i say? i'm surviving. the holidays were pretty good, but i came down with mono mid-december and it won't go away. that sucks. other than that, i mean, things have been kinda crazy, especially on the guy side of things. lets just say, i've had a couple guys fall for me lately, and i haven't been there to catch them. i can only offer what i can afford to give out, friendship... i have no problem being in a relationship right now, but i know the results could be disastrous. and i don't wanna lose another friend. the best advice i can give to them is to stop liking me. and i honestly have no idea why they would fall for me. as combative as i am, i got in an argument with one of my friends who happens to like me about why he likes me. no, this was not an ego boosting tactic. simply stated: i lack self-worth to the nth degree. after my dire attempts to give him reasons why he shouldn't, he won. but fine, let it be that way. for the first time, i tried to except that someone was right, when i whole-heatedly disagreed. but alas, my stubborn nature stood fast.

unfortunately, in a relationship, you are forced to take on the other person's baggage as your own. i, myself, come with enough for a small army, but to take someone on with just as much shit is a recipe for major problems. but everyone brings something different to the table. you have the ones that are abused: mentally, verbally, physically, sexually you have the ones that are addicts: drugs, alcohol, pills, gambling, cutting- and the ones that are trying to get clean or stay clean you have the ones that are suicidal, depressed, sociopaths, and every other disorder you can think of. you have the ones that are so set in their ways and the ones who don't even know who they are. and everyone of us bring some malady to the table. so in this case, maybe it's most important to be selfish. you can't change a person, and it is a hard and losing battle to fight. so do you take it on, risking complete and utter destruction? you can help someone without the whole relationship thing. because the let-down in a relationship when it's over, can undo all the progress that you have made to begin with. so maybe that's the way to go. but that being said, there's a connection you make with someone when you've experienced stuff like getting over an addiction. and those kinds of bonds can be a great basis for a relationship. to get over something like that, it takes so much strength. especially to try and help someone through it. and relationships can just complicate it. protect your heart and just don't take on more than you can handle. it's one thing to try to help someone, but at risk of sanity and emotional stability, i think i might just have to stay as a friend. i wonder if that's the best choice, but i assume it depends on the situation.

things get so crazy, and it's a wonder that i've been able to keep away from my bad habits. but i refuse to let someone take me on as a challenge. the last person who did saved me and then broke me down worse then i was to begin with. and then left my alone to build myself back up. so that just contributes to my distrust of most people and extreme desire to be completely self-sufficient. i refuse to bring down my walls for anyone because i know they'll hurt me. i love too deep, care too much, and sacrifice my needs to make others happy too often. but i'll continue to do it, because that's the only thing i know. if only i could find someone who has the same problem. that could be a wonderful thing. of course, knowing me, i'd ruin it like always.