Denial and Stupidity: Human Nature at it's Best

what happens when you get something that you wanted but it really isn't exactly it? i'm in quite a position right now. remember that hot guy i hooked up with? well all of the sudden, after some time after school, he might be asking me out soon. is that what i want? i don't know. honestly if given the choice between hot guy and the innocent cutie... i'd say the latter all the way. there's just something about him, i can't shake it. i like him a lot and if i knew i had a chance with him, i'd forget all about hot guy. but i don't know if we could ever work out, and i have a feeling we won't. so i have till hot guy asks me out,(if he actually does) to find out what's going on with me and my innocent cutie. and despite my past attempt failing, i will keep my foolish hope that maybe innocent cutie will come around. although i could just end up fucking both things up. and i would be back where i started, all alone.

so on my feeble try at a phone conversation to get a feel for the feelings of innocent cutie, i got shot down. he seemed disinterested and ready to get off the phone. but still i will try. maybe that's just how he is. i mean he is inexperienced, so i'll give myself the benefit of the doubt just so i don't get too upset. and here is my downfall, one of many: not quiting before my heart really gets broken. hopefully it will work out without me ending up devastated as i usually end up. i hate to admit that this one really got to me, more than i ever should had let it. i will never learn from my mistakes. i will always put myself out there, even when i could tell you exactly what will happen. and with hot guy, i know i'll end up getting hurt, but i'm following through with it anyways. that's just my nature. i'm the one who doesn't take my hand off the hot oven.

giving up on innocent cutie is probably the best thing to do, since i am pretty sure he is way too good for me. but according to one of my friends, that is not true, and i need to find someone worthy enough to be in my presence. this coming from a guy that i kind of screwed over. someone who actually liked me for me. and sadly, i fucked that up too. so i just don't know... that i know that for sure.