Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Mr. Snow Miser and the Misery of a Winter Spent Alone

I'm Mister White Christmas



I'm Mister Snow



I'm Mister Icicle



I'm Mister Ten Below



Friends call me Snow Miser



What ever I touch



Turns to snow in my clutch



I'm too much!


A Year Without a Santa Claus, one of my favorite holiday movies. i love the holidays. all the family and the happiness, the gifts and the parties, the food too. but i find that the holidays are always brighter when you have someone to share them with. yes, i'm a believer in the whole what i like to call 'snowmance.' the romance that always comes with the holidays. whether it's being curled up by the fire with a blizzard outside, or having a snowball fight and warming each other up after and drinking hot cocoa. and this is my new craving... a somebody. someone to warm up my winter. someone to start a snowmance with.


where do i begin to look? i have a boy in mind. one who i don't know as well as i wish to, but i fell for him the first time i saw him. he's so inexperienced, a quality that i find is a great advantage. i want someone who isn't a jerk. and he's too sweet to be. my first attempt at him left me temporarily crushed when i found out he liked one of my friends. fortunately she doesn't like him and can't ever think of him like that. honestly, i think that if we ever got together, it would be great. just something about him gives me the feeling that he's the kind of guy that could make me really believe in love again, the whole relationship thing again. the ability to have a relationship that would be so innocent and not just another hook up, would really mean a lot to me. but i don't know if it will ever work out. i will wish and hope for something to happen, and if it does, maybe i will start a new chapter in my life, one where i don't get hurt in the end. i've started to change my habits and start to do what i'm supposed to for once. i stopped smoking, i haven't drank, and i've been a good girl. i knew it was something i should have done a while ago. but now, i'm trying to turn my life around because i really need a change. and what better to help me through it, a boy. not just any boy, but a boy who's good. no drinking, no smoking, no doing sexual stuff, a boy who's never gotten in trouble with his parents. this is what i need: a good influence. but i'm really scared it won't work out because i know how much it will hurt. my fear of rejection will rear it's ugly head again, leaving me hopeless and open to fucking up again. yet i'm gonna risk it. if it does work out, it will all be worth it.


as for the ex-boyfriend issues, they're still coming. he found out that i had been with other people since him yesterday, and today he has one of our friends tell me that he's planning to have sex with his girlfriend today. that's the one thing we never did. all because, and i'm sure of this, he was scared. but now in his defense, he tells me that we never did because he never wanted to. attempted blow to my ego right there. but it hurts worse just to think of him with someone else. after everything that's happened, i shouldn't care. and i don't care a lot, just more than i should. although, if i wanted to, i could be with someone else, doing stuff like that. but i'm holding out for something meaningful. i've out grown my desire for the casual fling. i think that despite my still bleeding heart, and still healing scars, i'm ready to fall in love again.


so bring it on. i miss the hugs, the snuggles, the innocent first kiss, the getting to know you conversations. i want the one week, one month, two months anniversaries. i want that nervous first date, the novelty of holding hands with meaning. i think that when i find it, it will be better than my first time around. i know i was being naive when i said i would never love anyone else, because that's not reality. but it's a scary prospect to jump in again. unlike a fling, my heart will be in it when i have a relationship. and in the end, it's worth risking heart ache for the chance to fall in love.

i'm on my own for right now. yea the wind blows colder in my face, the chills don't leave that fast, and sometimes i just can't get warm, but i'm waiting. waiting for that someone to sweep me off my feet and give me the chance to fall in love again. and when he comes along, i'll get my snowmance... and my winter will be warmed up. but in the meantime, i'll just have to wait and wonder if that boy i've fallen for could possibly end up feeling the same about me. and i wish and i hope just like middle school all over again. but i'm older and a lot wiser now, so hopefully i won't screw this up.

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