The Perils of Being Predisposed to Life's Melodrama

it's the past that in the end ruins everything. it's the memories and the feelings that never leave you alone. and that's why i still lie awake at night with regrets. it's a shame that i still think about it. because i know better. i've had more and better since him and i've fallen for someone again. someone who i am really into, probably more than i should be. so it's not that i'm not moving on, it's more that i can't get rid of those feelings. but i'm so much better off now, that it's hard to look back and want what i used to have. everything has improved and i realize that i was holding myself back. now i actually have a life that isn't dependent on someone else's. yet i think about how if i was like this before, we would have stayed together. but i don't want that relationship again. i would take him back, i can't lie. and if i did, things would be different... and better. not that i want it necessarily, but the idea is always in my head. i think about all that's happened since we have broken up, and so much has gone on, it scares me. i've had my fair share of flings, broken two hearts, hooked up with someone i liked a long time ago, fell for someone i shouldn't, but still trying to get with them... and that's only things having to do with relationships. things have gone so fast, and it's a wonder that i'm still retracing my steps to how i got here. i really shouldn't waste my time pondering what might have been. i've embraced all these changes, from the day he broke up with me, no matter how heart breaking it might have been. i've just begun to realize all the flaws that the relationship had... but along with that comes the realization that some of those things i might never get back. or it feels like it now since i'm not in a relationship. and i've been enjoying the singleness. giving so much attention to that whole thing... the past... me and him... it is a waste of typing. but one thing is true, and i will never deny it: what we had was special, and no matter what happens, a part of me will still love him more than i ever should.

i think that some things will never change. just like there are some things that you can never forget. and it is hopeless to try. and is that a bad thing? not at all. it's your first kiss, your first broken heart, your first best friend, the first time you had a break down, the first time everything seemed perfect, the first time you got hurt. it's everything and nothing at the same time. and this is why everyone is in a constant state of moving on. everyday there is a moment when you are forced to glaze over the bad parts of life or try to ignore when you drudge up missed memories or experience those moments that you know will never happen again. it's life, the beautiful disaster it is.