Confrontational Dealings With the Unknown

i've made some pretty stupid mistakes in my life so far. it's hard to look back and not regret them. the prospect of living life with no regrets seems impossible to me. but i guess if you can make peace with all your demons and your faults you're better off than most of the world. i don't think i could ever achieve that. half the time i regret regretting about my mistakes. it's a cruel cycle. and what's to say a couple regrets here and there aren't a good thing? i mean in all reality, regrets can sometimes be what pushes us to greatness. regrets about past relationships make us strive to find a better one, one with someone who will treat us better. regrets about our past actions make us careful not to repeat our mistakes. those kind of regrets are helpful and actually a kind of good think to have. but all the regrets about what you should have said or done, if you could only go back and change it; those regrets are what bring us down. everyone has them and it all boils down to the 'what if' factor. what if you had called him? what if you had done something better? what if you chose a different career path or married a different person? the answer to what if? you don't know and you never will. and that's the end of the whole thing. but then again, adopting that attitude is easier said than done, and that's why i'm sitting here pondering my current situation.

i am guilty of over thinking situations. it's a horrible habit, but i do it, i do it a lot. the 'what if's plague my mind to the point of near insanity. and in the long run, it gets nothing accomplished. right now i really just want to figure out my current boy drama and get that over with. unfortunately, i have a hard time deciding what i should do. on the one hand, i could continue to pursue him in the hopes that he does or will begin to be interested in me, or i could just drop it and forget about it all together. now i have tried the latter, but all it accomplished was succeeding in making me worry about the fact that i failed at it which might hint to me liking him a lot. and saying that the feelings aren't mutual, this is disastrous. although, considering my track record of being the 'pretty girl's best friend,' i should be used to this by now. it's stupid to waste time and energy on this when nothing will happen today that has any impact on the whole situation. unless i call him and ask him out. which i won't, because he will probably say no. so i will spend the rest of my day doing homework and over thinking things. nothing out of the norm for me i guess.

in the grand scheme of things, boy drama is but a small blip in my life. but as a high schooler, we are stereotypically prone to placing such high importance on such moot things. because in our niche of the world, these things do matter. these things fall on a scale of unimportance, for example, any piece of gossip, whether it is who slept with who, or that such-and-such's purse is fake, is exponentially less important than my attempt to start a relationship with a guy. for some people, that may not be true, but anyone who values gossip, i have no pity for. but this is life; to some people what may be insignificant of unnecessary, is what others live for or by. it's kind of like trying to buy something in switzerland with pesos. these things are very confusing and is much of the cause for why i find people in general so interesting. the hypocrisy, the conundrums, the faults, the habits, the secrets. people are fascinating.

and on that beautiful note of insight and retrospect, i'm going to go do some of my homework.