Proceed With Caution to the Wind

this may not be the best time to say this, but i think i may have been a bit rash. while my decisions are often most questionable, this one the jury is still out on this one. do i love him? i think. do i feel committed? not quite. all the movie cliches that could describe my life right now are enumerable. i feel like i threw myself into this, maybe with less thought than i should. but i can't and shouldn't judge this too soon. well i for one am just ready for things to start making sense. if the distance wasn't there, i'm not even sure this would be as perfect as he thinks. and i despise the anticipation that might just let me down. although if i give up right now, watch this be my happy ending being thrown out the window. i mean, i guess, right now, i don't have anything better to do than wait. i guess it's the only choice i have if i want to see this through. but maybe my ideals have changed, and in the past month my feelings might have changed. at the expense of another, just maybe. but if so, i saw it coming and i feel like we both could end up hurt. from experience, i know i should watch out for myself instead of letting myself get hurt to make someone else happy. which was basically the majority of my last relationship (all over a year and a half of it) and i hated it so much. i can't understand how i always put myself in these positions where i can't decide. i feel like a horrible person since my decisions could impact, consequently hurting, someone who i've become close to. so i have no idea what the best thing is to do. and that of course is a part of life, so it should be expected. for now, i will just wait it out. alone with my own thoughts; it could be deadly.

The Bitter State of Pre-Infidelity Welcomes You With Open Arms

well leave it to me to put myself in a situation where i force myself to wait. not that i might not just screw this interstate love story before it even can really begin. all that distance, that means loneliness. and that is one thing i don't deal well with. maybe it's just because after my break up, i went a little wild. now i can't really grasp being held down again. i just have to keep telling myself that it's worth it. i'm desperate not to be led astray. when i barely get 15 minutes with him on the phone each day, it's easy to see why i might be tempted looking for love in another's arms. but from what i know, he should be worth it. i know deep down he'll treat me right. so as a result, it is only by my nature, that i ruin it. and if i do, so be it. yet let it be my decision, and not make me a cheater out of it. that is one thing i still can't ever see myself doing, despite all the offers that i might get. actually more like the opportunities i could take advantage of and choose not to. he tells me he loves me, and that he trusts me. i hate to disappoint. especially disappoint him. i guess there's a conflict in my ideologies. while i have a need for attention and closeness to eliminate my loneliness, i can't stand the disappointment people have in me if i satisfy those needs. so herein lies the question: what's a girl supposed to do? it will require more than my share of strength and emotional stability to survive these twenty-odd days before he gets here. and if i do, then who knows? this could be the best summer ever, or the first time i really fuck up a relationship. so as questionable as some of my past actions may have been, hopefully this time, this guy, just this in general, will bring out my best. because in the end, my only wish is to be able to love like i always do without fear of being broken and receiving the same love in return. but we shall see if this is even a possibility.

The Daunting Prospect of Conquering Inner Demons

so maybe i'm feeling just a little more whimsical lately. and this could be a side affect of falling in love. but this was not a instance where i went down easy. i've had a lot of internal turmoil deciding if i should let myself love someone that i've not met yet and that lives so far away. yet sometimes it seems that i forget that i'm not invincible to falling in love. i wish that i was just to save myself some trouble. yet this time around, i'm not going to make all the mistakes i have in the past. well, hopefully i won't. i've been tempted to be distant and stay less invested just to draw him in. at least that way, i won't let the real distance (350 miles of distance) hurt me. but i fear that i'm already in over my head. i let my guard down, and apparently i fell completely in love with him. the funny thing is that i was pretty much aware of it, and i let it happen anyways. but then again, my immediate fears arise. the first thing i think of is how when the summer ends, he'll be gone. and in reality, it will only be for a while. it occurred to me that long distance requires more of me than i really considered. that could be why i have been so against it. here i find myself now, in a relationship where the only problem is the distance. and this is so different from my other failed relationship attempts. he, for one, said i love you first. that matters to me, probably more than it should. but i read into that as that he'll be more committed to me than my ex. speaking of my ex, he still can't seem to leave me alone. it's a shame that someone who ended the relationship, and left me for another girl. but he still talks all the shit about me. the more he does, the more it's plain to see that he still has a thing for me. it's sickening. the thought of him and me round two is just a horrible image. if he ever came back to try to get me again, i'd laugh in his sorry face, that son of a bitch. i can't pinpoint the exact moment when i decided that i would never give him another chance. it might of been when he punched me in the face... just maybe. he's pathetic and i'm tired of his constant insults of how much of a whore i am. too bad he lost out on what he referred to as 'the best thing he'd ever get.' that would be me. but now i have moved on to hopefully someone who will love me for what i am. what am i, you ask? good question. i don't really know. i guess i'm a little bit of everything. i'm a tomboy of sorts who doesn't take shit from anyone. but at the same time, i'm a lover. oh yes, i love like no other. unfortunately devoted to the people i fall in love with. i'm crazily random with a sense of humor that spans over any possible subject matter. i can be a bit OCD about some things. i think that wet socks are my mortal enemies. i'm completely insane. and yet, this boy, who lives so far away it seems, loves every single thing about me. surprisingly, the feeling is mutual. this summer is going to be quite magical. and i can't wait for all of the tireless waiting to be worthwhile. i have a feeling that it's going to be.