Friday, May 23, 2008
The Bitter State of Pre-Infidelity Welcomes You With Open Arms
well leave it to me to put myself in a situation where i force myself to wait. not that i might not just screw this interstate love story before it even can really begin. all that distance, that means loneliness. and that is one thing i don't deal well with. maybe it's just because after my break up, i went a little wild. now i can't really grasp being held down again. i just have to keep telling myself that it's worth it. i'm desperate not to be led astray. when i barely get 15 minutes with him on the phone each day, it's easy to see why i might be tempted looking for love in another's arms. but from what i know, he should be worth it. i know deep down he'll treat me right. so as a result, it is only by my nature, that i ruin it. and if i do, so be it. yet let it be my decision, and not make me a cheater out of it. that is one thing i still can't ever see myself doing, despite all the offers that i might get. actually more like the opportunities i could take advantage of and choose not to. he tells me he loves me, and that he trusts me. i hate to disappoint. especially disappoint him. i guess there's a conflict in my ideologies. while i have a need for attention and closeness to eliminate my loneliness, i can't stand the disappointment people have in me if i satisfy those needs. so herein lies the question: what's a girl supposed to do? it will require more than my share of strength and emotional stability to survive these twenty-odd days before he gets here. and if i do, then who knows? this could be the best summer ever, or the first time i really fuck up a relationship. so as questionable as some of my past actions may have been, hopefully this time, this guy, just this in general, will bring out my best. because in the end, my only wish is to be able to love like i always do without fear of being broken and receiving the same love in return. but we shall see if this is even a possibility.
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