Monday, June 2, 2008

The Dire Needs of Companionship Shall Bring us all to Ruin

i suppose that maybe i have put myself in a complicated situation. i am not one to wait around for someone, but i'm not one to cheat. to reiterate, i am in love and maybe not too wisely after all. but with less two weeks to go till his arrival, it becomes that much harder to wait. and with all waiting comes temptation. these risks that i subject myself to might prove to break up our relationship before it has the chance to prosper. but i really do want this. and i am all too aware that he couldn't stand losing me. at the same time, i know that sometimes my needs cause me to outweigh my better judgement and do things that could bring me trouble. so this is the plain and simple truth: i love him. but how can a relationship last when the other one is 350 miles away? i can't survive on the handful of days he isn't here by me. maybe i will be led astray, just another secret i would hide till the day i die. because i have always said that i would break up with someone before i cheated. yet again, i used to say i would never have a long distance relationship because it was doomed. so here i am, going back on my word. well, not just yet i suppose. the chance is there, and quite apparent in recent days. i don't want to hurt him, but its about time i look out for myself. if a secret romance is in the works for me, well then let it be. does that mean that i am not in love? or is this just the case of a hopeless romantic succumbing to her weakness of needing closeness? i sense the latter, because i know for a fact that i am in love. this is not a stupid teenage aspiration, just hoping that my feelings are justified with a label. i know that i didn't love him in the beginning, that was just liking him. but don't get me wrong, i don't expect this to be that fairytale romance and i don't expect him to be in love with me. he says that he is, yet trusting him, while i do more than i should, i can't completely. past abuse is to blame in that sense. and i know better than to let my emotions get the best of me. i have everything to lose, but with that, if this love works out, i have everything to gain. so again, i spend another day living my life, waiting for this to all come down, for everything to be right in the world. or at least my world.

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