Denial and Stupidity: Human Nature at it's Best

what happens when you get something that you wanted but it really isn't exactly it? i'm in quite a position right now. remember that hot guy i hooked up with? well all of the sudden, after some time after school, he might be asking me out soon. is that what i want? i don't know. honestly if given the choice between hot guy and the innocent cutie... i'd say the latter all the way. there's just something about him, i can't shake it. i like him a lot and if i knew i had a chance with him, i'd forget all about hot guy. but i don't know if we could ever work out, and i have a feeling we won't. so i have till hot guy asks me out,(if he actually does) to find out what's going on with me and my innocent cutie. and despite my past attempt failing, i will keep my foolish hope that maybe innocent cutie will come around. although i could just end up fucking both things up. and i would be back where i started, all alone.

so on my feeble try at a phone conversation to get a feel for the feelings of innocent cutie, i got shot down. he seemed disinterested and ready to get off the phone. but still i will try. maybe that's just how he is. i mean he is inexperienced, so i'll give myself the benefit of the doubt just so i don't get too upset. and here is my downfall, one of many: not quiting before my heart really gets broken. hopefully it will work out without me ending up devastated as i usually end up. i hate to admit that this one really got to me, more than i ever should had let it. i will never learn from my mistakes. i will always put myself out there, even when i could tell you exactly what will happen. and with hot guy, i know i'll end up getting hurt, but i'm following through with it anyways. that's just my nature. i'm the one who doesn't take my hand off the hot oven.

giving up on innocent cutie is probably the best thing to do, since i am pretty sure he is way too good for me. but according to one of my friends, that is not true, and i need to find someone worthy enough to be in my presence. this coming from a guy that i kind of screwed over. someone who actually liked me for me. and sadly, i fucked that up too. so i just don't know... that i know that for sure.

Confrontational Dealings With the Unknown

i've made some pretty stupid mistakes in my life so far. it's hard to look back and not regret them. the prospect of living life with no regrets seems impossible to me. but i guess if you can make peace with all your demons and your faults you're better off than most of the world. i don't think i could ever achieve that. half the time i regret regretting about my mistakes. it's a cruel cycle. and what's to say a couple regrets here and there aren't a good thing? i mean in all reality, regrets can sometimes be what pushes us to greatness. regrets about past relationships make us strive to find a better one, one with someone who will treat us better. regrets about our past actions make us careful not to repeat our mistakes. those kind of regrets are helpful and actually a kind of good think to have. but all the regrets about what you should have said or done, if you could only go back and change it; those regrets are what bring us down. everyone has them and it all boils down to the 'what if' factor. what if you had called him? what if you had done something better? what if you chose a different career path or married a different person? the answer to what if? you don't know and you never will. and that's the end of the whole thing. but then again, adopting that attitude is easier said than done, and that's why i'm sitting here pondering my current situation.

i am guilty of over thinking situations. it's a horrible habit, but i do it, i do it a lot. the 'what if's plague my mind to the point of near insanity. and in the long run, it gets nothing accomplished. right now i really just want to figure out my current boy drama and get that over with. unfortunately, i have a hard time deciding what i should do. on the one hand, i could continue to pursue him in the hopes that he does or will begin to be interested in me, or i could just drop it and forget about it all together. now i have tried the latter, but all it accomplished was succeeding in making me worry about the fact that i failed at it which might hint to me liking him a lot. and saying that the feelings aren't mutual, this is disastrous. although, considering my track record of being the 'pretty girl's best friend,' i should be used to this by now. it's stupid to waste time and energy on this when nothing will happen today that has any impact on the whole situation. unless i call him and ask him out. which i won't, because he will probably say no. so i will spend the rest of my day doing homework and over thinking things. nothing out of the norm for me i guess.

in the grand scheme of things, boy drama is but a small blip in my life. but as a high schooler, we are stereotypically prone to placing such high importance on such moot things. because in our niche of the world, these things do matter. these things fall on a scale of unimportance, for example, any piece of gossip, whether it is who slept with who, or that such-and-such's purse is fake, is exponentially less important than my attempt to start a relationship with a guy. for some people, that may not be true, but anyone who values gossip, i have no pity for. but this is life; to some people what may be insignificant of unnecessary, is what others live for or by. it's kind of like trying to buy something in switzerland with pesos. these things are very confusing and is much of the cause for why i find people in general so interesting. the hypocrisy, the conundrums, the faults, the habits, the secrets. people are fascinating.

and on that beautiful note of insight and retrospect, i'm going to go do some of my homework.

Mr. Snow Miser and the Misery of a Winter Spent Alone

I'm Mister White Christmas

I'm Mister Snow

I'm Mister Icicle

I'm Mister Ten Below

Friends call me Snow Miser

What ever I touch

Turns to snow in my clutch

I'm too much!

A Year Without a Santa Claus, one of my favorite holiday movies. i love the holidays. all the family and the happiness, the gifts and the parties, the food too. but i find that the holidays are always brighter when you have someone to share them with. yes, i'm a believer in the whole what i like to call 'snowmance.' the romance that always comes with the holidays. whether it's being curled up by the fire with a blizzard outside, or having a snowball fight and warming each other up after and drinking hot cocoa. and this is my new craving... a somebody. someone to warm up my winter. someone to start a snowmance with.

where do i begin to look? i have a boy in mind. one who i don't know as well as i wish to, but i fell for him the first time i saw him. he's so inexperienced, a quality that i find is a great advantage. i want someone who isn't a jerk. and he's too sweet to be. my first attempt at him left me temporarily crushed when i found out he liked one of my friends. fortunately she doesn't like him and can't ever think of him like that. honestly, i think that if we ever got together, it would be great. just something about him gives me the feeling that he's the kind of guy that could make me really believe in love again, the whole relationship thing again. the ability to have a relationship that would be so innocent and not just another hook up, would really mean a lot to me. but i don't know if it will ever work out. i will wish and hope for something to happen, and if it does, maybe i will start a new chapter in my life, one where i don't get hurt in the end. i've started to change my habits and start to do what i'm supposed to for once. i stopped smoking, i haven't drank, and i've been a good girl. i knew it was something i should have done a while ago. but now, i'm trying to turn my life around because i really need a change. and what better to help me through it, a boy. not just any boy, but a boy who's good. no drinking, no smoking, no doing sexual stuff, a boy who's never gotten in trouble with his parents. this is what i need: a good influence. but i'm really scared it won't work out because i know how much it will hurt. my fear of rejection will rear it's ugly head again, leaving me hopeless and open to fucking up again. yet i'm gonna risk it. if it does work out, it will all be worth it.

as for the ex-boyfriend issues, they're still coming. he found out that i had been with other people since him yesterday, and today he has one of our friends tell me that he's planning to have sex with his girlfriend today. that's the one thing we never did. all because, and i'm sure of this, he was scared. but now in his defense, he tells me that we never did because he never wanted to. attempted blow to my ego right there. but it hurts worse just to think of him with someone else. after everything that's happened, i shouldn't care. and i don't care a lot, just more than i should. although, if i wanted to, i could be with someone else, doing stuff like that. but i'm holding out for something meaningful. i've out grown my desire for the casual fling. i think that despite my still bleeding heart, and still healing scars, i'm ready to fall in love again.

so bring it on. i miss the hugs, the snuggles, the innocent first kiss, the getting to know you conversations. i want the one week, one month, two months anniversaries. i want that nervous first date, the novelty of holding hands with meaning. i think that when i find it, it will be better than my first time around. i know i was being naive when i said i would never love anyone else, because that's not reality. but it's a scary prospect to jump in again. unlike a fling, my heart will be in it when i have a relationship. and in the end, it's worth risking heart ache for the chance to fall in love.

i'm on my own for right now. yea the wind blows colder in my face, the chills don't leave that fast, and sometimes i just can't get warm, but i'm waiting. waiting for that someone to sweep me off my feet and give me the chance to fall in love again. and when he comes along, i'll get my snowmance... and my winter will be warmed up. but in the meantime, i'll just have to wait and wonder if that boy i've fallen for could possibly end up feeling the same about me. and i wish and i hope just like middle school all over again. but i'm older and a lot wiser now, so hopefully i won't screw this up.

The Perils of Being Predisposed to Life's Melodrama

it's the past that in the end ruins everything. it's the memories and the feelings that never leave you alone. and that's why i still lie awake at night with regrets. it's a shame that i still think about it. because i know better. i've had more and better since him and i've fallen for someone again. someone who i am really into, probably more than i should be. so it's not that i'm not moving on, it's more that i can't get rid of those feelings. but i'm so much better off now, that it's hard to look back and want what i used to have. everything has improved and i realize that i was holding myself back. now i actually have a life that isn't dependent on someone else's. yet i think about how if i was like this before, we would have stayed together. but i don't want that relationship again. i would take him back, i can't lie. and if i did, things would be different... and better. not that i want it necessarily, but the idea is always in my head. i think about all that's happened since we have broken up, and so much has gone on, it scares me. i've had my fair share of flings, broken two hearts, hooked up with someone i liked a long time ago, fell for someone i shouldn't, but still trying to get with them... and that's only things having to do with relationships. things have gone so fast, and it's a wonder that i'm still retracing my steps to how i got here. i really shouldn't waste my time pondering what might have been. i've embraced all these changes, from the day he broke up with me, no matter how heart breaking it might have been. i've just begun to realize all the flaws that the relationship had... but along with that comes the realization that some of those things i might never get back. or it feels like it now since i'm not in a relationship. and i've been enjoying the singleness. giving so much attention to that whole thing... the past... me and him... it is a waste of typing. but one thing is true, and i will never deny it: what we had was special, and no matter what happens, a part of me will still love him more than i ever should.

i think that some things will never change. just like there are some things that you can never forget. and it is hopeless to try. and is that a bad thing? not at all. it's your first kiss, your first broken heart, your first best friend, the first time you had a break down, the first time everything seemed perfect, the first time you got hurt. it's everything and nothing at the same time. and this is why everyone is in a constant state of moving on. everyday there is a moment when you are forced to glaze over the bad parts of life or try to ignore when you drudge up missed memories or experience those moments that you know will never happen again. it's life, the beautiful disaster it is.

Why Saturdays Suck Sometimes....

i woke up at about 8 am so me and my mom could take my little half-sis to her child molesting dad's till tomorrow. i got maybe a total of 4 hours of sleep. and driving forty-five minutes in the rain to see someone who fucked my life up so bad is not my idea of a fun morning. but i see 'fun mornings' as an oxymoron anyways. i won't even get into the details of my ex-step father. but lets just say, i'd fucking kill him for what he's done to me, my little sis, and his first daughter. and i won't even talk about how the maryland judicial system fails at everything. so to continue...

i had no plans today. and i wasn't about to sit at home and think about all the drama in my life right now. because that would be stupid and it wouldn't help anything. so of course i went on a search to find something to do. i really wanted to go to field of screams... hopefully with this guy that happens to be pretty hot. that didn't really pan out. so now i'm having a movie night//sleepover thing-y with one of my friends, who is pretty amazing. it should be pretty fun. so until then, i'm procrastinating and putting off my homework. and i need to be working up hair and make-up schemes for the play. but instead i'm sitting here blogging and facespacing. which is what i usually do. at least tomorrow football will be on and i'm going to some random sports bar with one of my guy friends. i'm going to the car show up at the dunkin' doughnuts in the morning. which is a pretty kick ass day for me considering i love old cars and i never miss a football game... ever. this might explain parts of why most of my friends are guys. but at the same time, i am a total make-up whore. it's kinda sad actually. i don't really fit into any category.

this is why stereotypes suck. i love sports and i hang out with mostly guys. i get categorized as i skank who is trying to get attention from guys. people think that i have big boobs, so they don't think i'm intelligent or take me serious. but it's high school, and that's all anyone is in high school. we are preconceived notions of what our peers, teachers, and parents think we are. and that's where i would like to reference one of my favorite movies of all time, The Breakfast Club:

Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But, we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But, what we found out is that each one of us is:

a brain . . .
And an athlete . . .
And a basket case . . .
A princess . . .
And a criminal.
Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.

and it's true. we are all a little bit of everything. everyone has something that breaks the stereotype they have been put in. the insecurities. what keeps you up at night. the things you try to forget. all your regrets. the things you've never told a soul. what you want to be. how you want to change those things define us. not our clothes we wear or our pants size or the money in our wallet or how many people we've slept with. our weaknesses define us. it comes to the point where we end up as only the sum of our weaknesses. and the more you down play them, the more they control you. embrace your flaws. we are all flawed and all failures in our own right. the shame is on those who think that they are perfect because ignorance is the biggest flaw of all.

not bad for a saturday afternoon reflection if i do say so myself.

Break Up// Break Down?

And so the high school drama begins (or continues).... Boy breaks up with girl about two months ago after about a year and 8 months. they have a lot of mutual friends, so they still are around each other a lot at school. so he fucks with her all the time and she gets her friend to try and tell him to back the fuck off. so the next week, he takes her purse, she tries to get it back, and he... well we will give him the benefit of the doubt...accidentally back-handed her. so being the girl that she is, she hits back. one being a shot to the face. he drops the purse and she puts it back with her stuff and walks over to him asking why he has to be such an ass to her. he turns around and punches her in the face. (same side where she got back-handed) she starts hitting back, and he throws her down on the ground.

ok. enough with the third person shit. my ex-boyfriend punched me in the face. end of story. it got all swollen and red and it hurt like a bitch. stayed that way for about two days. i have a bunch of guy friends ready to fuck his ass up because of what he did. his response? going around telling everyone that i'm a lying bitch and that i'm getting people to beat him up because i'm just mad that he broke up with me. talking to him now, he says that he was lying throughout our whole relationship and that at the end, he didn't even love me. which just shows how much he's trying to prove that he doesn't need me in his life. and its kinda sad when his friends tell me that it's so obvious he still likes me. same reason applies to why he ran out and got a girlfriend in less that two weeks after breaking up with me.

so where does this leave me? well, i for one, am not in denial. i have no problem saying i still love him. mind you, i wouldn't take him back and i'm not hung up on him. i've moved on to bigger and better things. (like the hot guy i'm hooking up with on a regular basis.) i've tried to rebuild my life, knowing damn well that the guy that told me he would propose to me at prom, is trying to hurt me so he can feel better and forget he still loves me. yes, i was naive. and so what? but that's over now. and it's a great and terrible thing at the same time. it's the fact of losing that constant in your life that puts everything off kilter.

and so, with the whole school getting told i'm a liar, my friends about to beat the shit out of my ex-boyfriend, and me wondering what the fuck is going on in my head, i continue my amazingly fucked up life. my grades are dropping, i want to lose weight, and smoking sounds really good right now. but i've been keeping my on going record- i haven't cried since he broke up with me like two months ago. and that is one thing i have to be proud of.

this weekend i'm just gonna try and relax. got football on sunday and chilling with friends later today. now i'm just talking to one of my friends about weed vs. cigarettes..... i think i'm gonna get some cookie dough ice cream... yummy


*there you go. my first post. hate it? love it? random like shit, i know. so tell me about it. leave a comment.