Desperation in Desperate Times Call for Well-Executed Measures

Thursday's the big day: i'm moving out. only to my grandma's house, but the change is drastic enough. the repercussions of my actions could be, at the least, disastrous. as it is, i've been informed that my departure will break my mother's heart. she hasn't been informed of my flight, but i assume when she finds my room empty, she'll get the hint. no longer can i stand the environment i'm subjected to where i am the scapegoat and work horse. my little sister could also just be the death of me. in a rash moment of anger, i deemed it acceptable to not have exchanged any form of oral communication with her in over two weeks. while it may come across as immature, it's sole purpose was to alleviate much of the conflict within the house. instead, it amplified the issues between me and my mother. so here i am, standing at a crossroads, making a decision that could quite possibly destroy my maternal ties and forever put me on the outs. but as of now, i really can't comprehend how that's even important anymore. maybe i am making a huge mistake, yet i feel i've done all that i can do to try and make my life there work. what i don't understand is how my mother can be so oblivious to the whole thing. while i would love to write this all off to classic teenage angst; it is far more complicated than to be solved by sitting in my room listening to music loudly. i've done that for far too long. and i'm tired of playing the ostrich, while the household injustices remove what desire i have to stay in this town. the only thing i'm hesitant about is the actual act of moving. while i have to do it without her knowledge, i get the increasing feeling it will be hard to fly under the radar. on the same note, she hasn't noticed all the signs of my despairing situation. and if she gets it in her mind that she could just go and move my things back, i'll leave for good out of the familial nest.

Postpartum Obsession

well here we go again, another reckless example of the chaos in my life. if i could let go of what happened: the love lost, the days wasted, the hurt incurred. but i can't. i recede into this preliminary start of catatonia when i even begin to think of my so-called ex lovers. my jealously still burns like no other for one, because for almost as long as he's been away from me, he's had someone else to abuse. and he's happy. i despise it; it's not what he deserves. bitter, bitter, bitter, girl; i should know better. but when i'm here failing miserably at attaining something even marginally meaningful, what am i supposed to feel? i'm sure damn well not going to be supportive of him. then what of my summer beau: avoidance lately, but that's how it is when you miss someone. and to the best of my knowledge, he does. my pool for selection has run dry it seems. the only fish that swim my way aren't fit for even the cheapest sardines. casual relations can sound all the more enticing when the prospects are so unconditionally dim. but i cling to the hope that there's better, and maybe even great, things coming along. so my optimism is no where near a high, yet i've got some hopes. my love life is no more in shambles than my home life. tired of the berating and complete and utter misery my house contains, i see the only option is to move out. the preliminary plans are in the works as of late. and i find the prospect freeing, if not a form keeping my sanity. i try not to think about the magnitude of the entire premise. my love life can take well earned precedence in my life. it is far more rewarding in the long run than to solve the raging battles within these four walls. nor do i have the desire to work things out in that sense. and that, my friends, is quite a shame in the least. maybe the calming on the home front, nonetheless, a complete change of venue for a home life, could contribute to progress in my romantic endeavors. when it comes down to it, despite my grand disappointments, i really do enjoy being in love. for the rush, no drug, no fear, no roller coaster can induce, will change your life. there's no doubt in my mind that this crazy, messy thing can change every fiber of your being. the trouble that arises is there is no knowing whether it will be for the good or the bad. so you just have to ride that shit out. it's unbelievable what love can do to you. that smolder can set your world aflame in a second, or it can keep you warm in the coldest conditions. my problem with love isn't the act its self, it's the repercussions of the act. because, when it's over, the memories remain. and those, those once comforting little happenings, can turn real ugly, real fast. memories of the taste and smell and feel of someone you held close can haunt you for the rest of your life. but that's just the beginning. because, what you've done and thought and wanted when you were involved with them will keep you awake at night. these suffocating memories that should have been cherished...they are now your mortal enemies. left unchecked, those things can consume you, and become you; so much that that one person is all you think about. or maybe more than one person. but love, love is a beautiful thing. beautiful- if it doesn't ruin you in the process. that is where i lie tonight, in the midst of these tumultuous times.

Transitional Disfunction

while the end of my short-lived, not- so summer fling was finally ended, i some how found the ability to actually break up with someone. but this was about a month ago. since then, things have been uneventful much to my dismay. a romantic hiatus was not exactly my first choice in spending the remainder of my summer. considering who i choose to invest my time in, i shouldn't be surprised. they seem to be taken or too close to pursue, or just virtually unattainable. feelings still run deep for my boy that's miles away. but the one time i had the misfortune to speak to him since he left, we played the usual games; never conceding to any emotion for the other. though i did get him to admit he misses me. and i find comfort in knowing i still have some hold on him. yet when he comes back, it'll be hard for me to have anything to do with him, knowing that he'll just leave again. leaving is always something that gets me. because they always leave. as i was telling one of my friends in the early morning hours, i've learned that 'i love you' means nothing, you can always be replaced, and that all guys are the same, just some are better at hiding it than others. one of my other current nuisances is perhaps just overly jealous and selfish concept that i've deemed one of my biggest weaknesses. i find the one year anniversary of the big break up drawing near, and realized that shortly after, my other ex and his girlfriend will have been together for a year. and that rubs me the wrong way. not just because i have not been as successful, but because he doesn't deserve it. my opinion however, doesn't really matter in all of that. once again, i find more things to daunt me. i feel like throwing myself in to a variety of things to distract myself from my seemingly unending quest for love. ironically, i am not actively pursuing any individual for the hope of a relationship, but feel like i am trying to hard. my choices in these situations are undeniably questionable. while my heart may be deceitful, my love is never a lie. yet i've been involved with some who have no concept of the weight of those three little words. he should have known better than to be so fickle. i guess mutual suffering is somewhat comforting in the end. i try to forget about what transpired this summer between me and my interstate lover. it is time to move away from those memories, because to continue that delusion of a possible sequel would be borderline self-deprecating. but i'm looking forward to a relationship where tangibility is not at an all time low. although it might be in my best interest to let a few of these upcoming romantic opportunities pass out of self-preservation. i can't take much more disappointment any time soon. then again, i'm not one for healthy habits like that. i mean, you only live once, you might as well have the time of your fucking life.

This Type of Mental Exploitation is Absolutely Necessary

and just like in times before, it is gone as quick as it comes. while there hasn't be the act of officially calling it quits, it's been discussed. when you ask someone if they love you, their response shouldn't be "i want to." but no, this is not heartbreaking to me. i saw it coming. while i may have hoped for the best, there are too many things against us. but we, as most young love seems to be, were a blazing fire fueled by undeveloped carnal desire and the frantic search to find where we belong. it feels like it was too short lived. these weeks we never an accurate depiction of how we could be. but i know my incessant comparisons to my ex, and how pessimistic i am, well no, that didn't help. but in the coming of days, with my starting new educational endeavors, is it any wonder that i feel the need not to be held back my the restriction of a long distance relationship. or am i just fulfilling the prophecy that i think long distance relationships are destined to fail. the trouble is that he made me a believer. with him, i seemed to forget all of those things that make me hesitant, all the times i've been hurt. therein lies one of the problems: with all those feelings, added to undeniable physical attraction, we lived out more of a relationship in those couple of weeks that could be in a few months. the first time we met, it felt as if we had been together for ages. then was when i really felt that this could be a good thing. yet this mutual feeling of changes and growing apart, ("when i first got here, everything was amazing, and now it's all kinda fading.") he brings this up when i had been saying it a week earlier. he is young and doesn't know what he wants, and i'm his first serious girlfriend. so this is new for him. i know that the waining of romance is usual, i just never expected it to happen that fast. but maybe i should just ignore the phone till he gets back from the beach. maybe that space would be incredibly constructive. i don't know, but for now i think i'll settle for quick airy, light little phone calls that don't dip into our problems. the ones that have been keeping me up for the past two nights despite my best attempts to relax. on the one hand, i could make the call, dump him and stay friends. but i'd prefer to just wait till he gets back and then talk it out. so now i shall play this waiting game. hopefully i'll win at it.

The Dire Needs of Companionship Shall Bring us all to Ruin

i suppose that maybe i have put myself in a complicated situation. i am not one to wait around for someone, but i'm not one to cheat. to reiterate, i am in love and maybe not too wisely after all. but with less two weeks to go till his arrival, it becomes that much harder to wait. and with all waiting comes temptation. these risks that i subject myself to might prove to break up our relationship before it has the chance to prosper. but i really do want this. and i am all too aware that he couldn't stand losing me. at the same time, i know that sometimes my needs cause me to outweigh my better judgement and do things that could bring me trouble. so this is the plain and simple truth: i love him. but how can a relationship last when the other one is 350 miles away? i can't survive on the handful of days he isn't here by me. maybe i will be led astray, just another secret i would hide till the day i die. because i have always said that i would break up with someone before i cheated. yet again, i used to say i would never have a long distance relationship because it was doomed. so here i am, going back on my word. well, not just yet i suppose. the chance is there, and quite apparent in recent days. i don't want to hurt him, but its about time i look out for myself. if a secret romance is in the works for me, well then let it be. does that mean that i am not in love? or is this just the case of a hopeless romantic succumbing to her weakness of needing closeness? i sense the latter, because i know for a fact that i am in love. this is not a stupid teenage aspiration, just hoping that my feelings are justified with a label. i know that i didn't love him in the beginning, that was just liking him. but don't get me wrong, i don't expect this to be that fairytale romance and i don't expect him to be in love with me. he says that he is, yet trusting him, while i do more than i should, i can't completely. past abuse is to blame in that sense. and i know better than to let my emotions get the best of me. i have everything to lose, but with that, if this love works out, i have everything to gain. so again, i spend another day living my life, waiting for this to all come down, for everything to be right in the world. or at least my world.

Proceed With Caution to the Wind

this may not be the best time to say this, but i think i may have been a bit rash. while my decisions are often most questionable, this one the jury is still out on this one. do i love him? i think. do i feel committed? not quite. all the movie cliches that could describe my life right now are enumerable. i feel like i threw myself into this, maybe with less thought than i should. but i can't and shouldn't judge this too soon. well i for one am just ready for things to start making sense. if the distance wasn't there, i'm not even sure this would be as perfect as he thinks. and i despise the anticipation that might just let me down. although if i give up right now, watch this be my happy ending being thrown out the window. i mean, i guess, right now, i don't have anything better to do than wait. i guess it's the only choice i have if i want to see this through. but maybe my ideals have changed, and in the past month my feelings might have changed. at the expense of another, just maybe. but if so, i saw it coming and i feel like we both could end up hurt. from experience, i know i should watch out for myself instead of letting myself get hurt to make someone else happy. which was basically the majority of my last relationship (all over a year and a half of it) and i hated it so much. i can't understand how i always put myself in these positions where i can't decide. i feel like a horrible person since my decisions could impact, consequently hurting, someone who i've become close to. so i have no idea what the best thing is to do. and that of course is a part of life, so it should be expected. for now, i will just wait it out. alone with my own thoughts; it could be deadly.

The Bitter State of Pre-Infidelity Welcomes You With Open Arms

well leave it to me to put myself in a situation where i force myself to wait. not that i might not just screw this interstate love story before it even can really begin. all that distance, that means loneliness. and that is one thing i don't deal well with. maybe it's just because after my break up, i went a little wild. now i can't really grasp being held down again. i just have to keep telling myself that it's worth it. i'm desperate not to be led astray. when i barely get 15 minutes with him on the phone each day, it's easy to see why i might be tempted looking for love in another's arms. but from what i know, he should be worth it. i know deep down he'll treat me right. so as a result, it is only by my nature, that i ruin it. and if i do, so be it. yet let it be my decision, and not make me a cheater out of it. that is one thing i still can't ever see myself doing, despite all the offers that i might get. actually more like the opportunities i could take advantage of and choose not to. he tells me he loves me, and that he trusts me. i hate to disappoint. especially disappoint him. i guess there's a conflict in my ideologies. while i have a need for attention and closeness to eliminate my loneliness, i can't stand the disappointment people have in me if i satisfy those needs. so herein lies the question: what's a girl supposed to do? it will require more than my share of strength and emotional stability to survive these twenty-odd days before he gets here. and if i do, then who knows? this could be the best summer ever, or the first time i really fuck up a relationship. so as questionable as some of my past actions may have been, hopefully this time, this guy, just this in general, will bring out my best. because in the end, my only wish is to be able to love like i always do without fear of being broken and receiving the same love in return. but we shall see if this is even a possibility.

The Daunting Prospect of Conquering Inner Demons

so maybe i'm feeling just a little more whimsical lately. and this could be a side affect of falling in love. but this was not a instance where i went down easy. i've had a lot of internal turmoil deciding if i should let myself love someone that i've not met yet and that lives so far away. yet sometimes it seems that i forget that i'm not invincible to falling in love. i wish that i was just to save myself some trouble. yet this time around, i'm not going to make all the mistakes i have in the past. well, hopefully i won't. i've been tempted to be distant and stay less invested just to draw him in. at least that way, i won't let the real distance (350 miles of distance) hurt me. but i fear that i'm already in over my head. i let my guard down, and apparently i fell completely in love with him. the funny thing is that i was pretty much aware of it, and i let it happen anyways. but then again, my immediate fears arise. the first thing i think of is how when the summer ends, he'll be gone. and in reality, it will only be for a while. it occurred to me that long distance requires more of me than i really considered. that could be why i have been so against it. here i find myself now, in a relationship where the only problem is the distance. and this is so different from my other failed relationship attempts. he, for one, said i love you first. that matters to me, probably more than it should. but i read into that as that he'll be more committed to me than my ex. speaking of my ex, he still can't seem to leave me alone. it's a shame that someone who ended the relationship, and left me for another girl. but he still talks all the shit about me. the more he does, the more it's plain to see that he still has a thing for me. it's sickening. the thought of him and me round two is just a horrible image. if he ever came back to try to get me again, i'd laugh in his sorry face, that son of a bitch. i can't pinpoint the exact moment when i decided that i would never give him another chance. it might of been when he punched me in the face... just maybe. he's pathetic and i'm tired of his constant insults of how much of a whore i am. too bad he lost out on what he referred to as 'the best thing he'd ever get.' that would be me. but now i have moved on to hopefully someone who will love me for what i am. what am i, you ask? good question. i don't really know. i guess i'm a little bit of everything. i'm a tomboy of sorts who doesn't take shit from anyone. but at the same time, i'm a lover. oh yes, i love like no other. unfortunately devoted to the people i fall in love with. i'm crazily random with a sense of humor that spans over any possible subject matter. i can be a bit OCD about some things. i think that wet socks are my mortal enemies. i'm completely insane. and yet, this boy, who lives so far away it seems, loves every single thing about me. surprisingly, the feeling is mutual. this summer is going to be quite magical. and i can't wait for all of the tireless waiting to be worthwhile. i have a feeling that it's going to be.

Ill-Advised Discretion Only Makes Conundrums That Much More Frustrating

for every cynic like i am, and will remain to be, most likely for the entirety of my life, the worst possible thing has happened. as quick as i was thrown away by guys in the past, a new one has swooped in and decided that he will indeed, change my outlook on love and myself. (no this is not a joke) he brings commitment and a seemingly incredible sincerity that i have never seen they likes of in my life. for once, i passed up the over-analysis and jumped right in. what's the catch, you ask? geographical barriers at their worst. mapquest mocks me for inquiring about a location 350 miles away in 5 and a half hours. and i was the biggest advocate against long distance relationships. why? because they never work out. even in my steadfast rules, exceptions have creeped their way in. lo and behold, i fall in love. fast, reckless and beautiful, i put myself out there again, because it felt so right. in the defense of all things sane (which none of this seems to be) i took time to think it over. not that i expected to come to the answer of no. proving that, while i may be insane, but at least i can make up my mind. so i willingly chose to fall for a guy two states away, who get this ladies and gentlemen, i've never met. don't get me wrong, this isn't internet dating. he is actually a real person. in fact, he is my friend's ex- across the street neighbor. it gets more peculiar by the second. but i've researched and investigated thoroughly. i've spent eternities talking to him, and he's nothing like i'm used to. (famous last words right?) but in the process, i've chained myself to the never-ending wait for calendar pages to flip. the anticipation for days that seem to never come and never get any closer. here i wait. and it's by choice, and maybe out of necessity that i let it happen. when it comes down to it, i need this. i needed it long before it came. if things go the way they seem to be headed, i might have found that person to make up for the last big screw up i subjected myself to. that in and of itself is amazing. while i am never one to be hopeful, i seem to have gone borderline cautious optimism. fearful of this, i must remember that this, as are all other things, is a temporary fixture that i must not grow dependent on. because dependence is the root of all evil. while i would claim to posses a degree of attachment, dependence is something that should never come. let past mistakes be the path to a better future, and hopefully i wont fuck up this time around.

And if I was Ever to Fall...

If there is ever such a thing as karma, or simply the presence of luck in the slightest, is there a certain extent for a person to be plagued by bad luck, before something good is ultimately destined to happen to them? it all starts with my misfortune in love lately. decisions made out of boredom, resulting in a question of self-worth and self- appreciation. actions taken under false pretenses, resulting in being written off as a mistake. need i say more? and in the past, it seems that my accumulation of bad luck knows no bounds. but a friend said to me recently, "this is going to work out, you deserve something good to happen to you." maybe this is true. in my recent, casual and not yet solidified endeavour, i have done what always contributes to my failure in such matters. my inevitable, or so it seems, mistake is to get my hopes up. but it all comes out of my futile attempts to find the middle ground between blind faith and condemning pessimism. the sense of realism has failed me, and i still have trouble in believing that i will find success. it seems to me, that i screw everything up in the end. and as innocent as my wants and needs may be, it has been an awful long time since they have come close to being satisfied. while i try to pride myself in not being an idiot, i have become increasingly easy to take advantage of in the ways of love. i resent my new-found naivety but only because it is the result of my overwhelming desire to love and be loved. not that this is uncommon, yet damn human nature anyways. and most of the time it just seems like life is full of one movie cliche after another. love, real, honest, meaningful love at least, is so hard to find. especially since everyone has ulterior motives and to play it with a straight face would be unheard of. it's like watching old movies, realizing that all that magic doesn't happen any more. the cut and dry practice of love in real life killed chivalry and morals a long time ago. now people look for love in the strangest of places, supplement it with materialistic cravings, and take a candy- coated substitute and pass it off as the real thing. it's a wonder that love is still so desired when it has become the easiest to forge. so in passing, everyone is disillusioned to the scams they have subjected themselves to. and on that note, i must depart for my plane and begin my long journey home from florida. all the while, giving myself time to ponder my current attempt at finding something with meaning, or just settling for someone to hold me.

Just a Thought...

In the endless quest for perfection, it is incredible that after failing so many times, people still continue to attempt to achieve the impossible. by setting yourself up for disappointment, the only result is that you end up being convinced that you arent good enough, and that you never will be.

Unfortunate Circumstances Lead to the Worst Mistakes

so valentine's day has struck again. a scheduled reminder of all the things i lack. a day so full of love and loneliness, it's only humane that it comes once a year. dont get me wrong, im not extensively bitter, i just wish i had someone to share the day with. it was my first valentine's day alone in two years, and guess what, i survived. it wasn't bad at all. unfortunately, i haven't had much luck with love lately. it's almost deja vu of how bleak things were before my ex came along. i fell for someone yet again with hopes of getting somewhere this time. but alas, i failed miserably. the letdown was gentle because he's not dating till college, but in the end, he didnt like me anyways. it hurt, but only considering that it served as a reminder of the seeming inadequacy i posess when it comes to appealing to the opposite sex. i find that maybe i get too hopeful too quick, but still with the pessimism that is won't work out in the end. and it seems as though i have run out of hope or maybe just options. the only possibilities that have presented are meaningless and i long for something real again. yet out of loneliness, i could succumb to my desires for a someone, settling for something i dont want. and lately all around me, it seems like every relationship has just failed miserably. which poses the question, is there ever such a thing as a great relationship? i'm wondering why i let myself suffer through my last relationship when i wasn't happy. but seeing how much i missed the good parts (though there weren't that many) maybe i just saw it coming. but knowing that i can't and won't give up on things, i guess it's no surprise that i put up with what i did. all horrible failures and lonely nights i've lived through, it's about time i find someone again. i care too much, i love too much, and i get hurt so much. and i'm so used to it that now it's all i know and all i expect. truthfully, i wish that i could go back in time and save my relationship, or just keep it from ever happening. the way things have turned out has just proved how dependent i am. and i wish it didn't end that way. i wish i didn't feel so vulnerable. the novelty of romance has eluded me lately and it's fair to say that maybe i've begun to take finding love too seriously. but then again, this could very well be one of the rare occasions that i give up on something. this would only be out of self- preservation. one thing that still remains, i would love to say "i love you" again. although seeing the timing of everything, all relationships at this point are meaningless. yet at the time you're involved, it feels like so much more, because it is so much more to you then. and our hearts get broken, and we run out of tears to cry. worthless and disappointed without even as much of a shred of self- worth left. relationships give us everything and take it away at the same time. but we keep coming back for more.

Contemplation of the Inevitable

wow, it's been a while. and everything is completely different now. still single but pretty happy about it. hot guy- that's waayy over & innocent cutie- that never even started. but what can i say? i'm surviving. the holidays were pretty good, but i came down with mono mid-december and it won't go away. that sucks. other than that, i mean, things have been kinda crazy, especially on the guy side of things. lets just say, i've had a couple guys fall for me lately, and i haven't been there to catch them. i can only offer what i can afford to give out, friendship... i have no problem being in a relationship right now, but i know the results could be disastrous. and i don't wanna lose another friend. the best advice i can give to them is to stop liking me. and i honestly have no idea why they would fall for me. as combative as i am, i got in an argument with one of my friends who happens to like me about why he likes me. no, this was not an ego boosting tactic. simply stated: i lack self-worth to the nth degree. after my dire attempts to give him reasons why he shouldn't, he won. but fine, let it be that way. for the first time, i tried to except that someone was right, when i whole-heatedly disagreed. but alas, my stubborn nature stood fast.

unfortunately, in a relationship, you are forced to take on the other person's baggage as your own. i, myself, come with enough for a small army, but to take someone on with just as much shit is a recipe for major problems. but everyone brings something different to the table. you have the ones that are abused: mentally, verbally, physically, sexually you have the ones that are addicts: drugs, alcohol, pills, gambling, cutting- and the ones that are trying to get clean or stay clean you have the ones that are suicidal, depressed, sociopaths, and every other disorder you can think of. you have the ones that are so set in their ways and the ones who don't even know who they are. and everyone of us bring some malady to the table. so in this case, maybe it's most important to be selfish. you can't change a person, and it is a hard and losing battle to fight. so do you take it on, risking complete and utter destruction? you can help someone without the whole relationship thing. because the let-down in a relationship when it's over, can undo all the progress that you have made to begin with. so maybe that's the way to go. but that being said, there's a connection you make with someone when you've experienced stuff like getting over an addiction. and those kinds of bonds can be a great basis for a relationship. to get over something like that, it takes so much strength. especially to try and help someone through it. and relationships can just complicate it. protect your heart and just don't take on more than you can handle. it's one thing to try to help someone, but at risk of sanity and emotional stability, i think i might just have to stay as a friend. i wonder if that's the best choice, but i assume it depends on the situation.

things get so crazy, and it's a wonder that i've been able to keep away from my bad habits. but i refuse to let someone take me on as a challenge. the last person who did saved me and then broke me down worse then i was to begin with. and then left my alone to build myself back up. so that just contributes to my distrust of most people and extreme desire to be completely self-sufficient. i refuse to bring down my walls for anyone because i know they'll hurt me. i love too deep, care too much, and sacrifice my needs to make others happy too often. but i'll continue to do it, because that's the only thing i know. if only i could find someone who has the same problem. that could be a wonderful thing. of course, knowing me, i'd ruin it like always.